I know I'm stubborn.
I know it's tough to teach me life's lessons.
And while this lesson keeps mauling and side swiping me, I'm still having a tough time getting it through my think brain and more so my heart.
I know I'm not in charge. I know I don't have control.
(But I still want to be.)
Why all this fuss and drama?
Well, most of you who read my blog already know.
I'm about 12 weeks pregnant.
And for the past 6 weeks, I have been anxiety ridden, sleep-deprived, and edgy, trying to gain control over something of which I have none.
For the record, though, God has taken me a bit through the ringer, if I do say so myself.
My miscarriage was hard on me.
And from day one of finding out I miscarried, I wanted to be pregnant again.
And then from day one of being pregnant, I worried about miscarrying.
I don't think this is unique.
This time, though, there were a few hurdles to try to teach me this lesson...again...and again...and again...
First they thought I had a twin molar pregnancy. The suggestion by many docs was to end the pregnancy.
I researched, cried, worried, researched, talked to my brother Jonathan and sister-in-law Dre a gazillion times, made them research, and decided to get a second opinion.
Then, I maybe had something called a chorio-angioma, benign tumors in my placenta. I researched again, dragged my brother to the doctor, worried, and waited...
Today, another opinion...perhaps everything is just fine. They see some bleeding behind the placenta but they are not concerned.
I didn't know what bleeding behind the placenta meant, so I started to research....
and finally stopped.
I had to force myself to stop...I still am itching to google more information as I write this....
This anxiety-ridden pattern that I have had for the past 6 weeks of trying to somehow gain control over my pregnancy by researching and then fretting is not working for me.
I get it. I don't know if I can accept it, but I get it.
I am not in control.
I've always known, I just don't quite know.
But God, I need a break in this lesson.
It's truly back-breaking, this lesson.
So, on to other funny stories of fretting...
I'm afraid I have passed on my anxious ways to my wee-little son.
Here are two stories...
Kieran starts pre-school in about 4 weeks, so we have been talking a lot about this transition.
For the most part, we all talk excitedly about how much fun he will have.
Today he had me pretend to be his teacher, and we excitedly pretended on and off all day.
But yesterday morning, in the midst of our pretend, he all-the-sudden realized that his sister, Hazel, would not be joining him at preschool.
The tears started to well up and he panicked as he looked at me..."but Mama, Hazel won't be with me at school?!" When he heard the inevitable answer, the tears fell..."I will miss her TOO much, Mama!" and he curled up into my lap to cry.
Story two...last night I was reading "Always Love You" by Robert Munch. If you don't know it, you should...but I digress...
Anyway, we read it all together, Kieran, Hazel, and I, and then I put Hazel down to bed. Kieran wanted me to read the story a second time, because it was just TOO hilarious when the two year old dropped his mama's watch down the toilet. I started the story for a second time, but this time used Kieran's name in the book. Big Mistake.
As we neared the end of the book and the Mama was old and sickly, Kieran started to become anxious once again.
"Mama, are you going to get old like that lady? Oh Mama, I don't want you to be old. Mama..." and he started to cry. Soon into this conversation, he pressed further, "Are you going to DIE, Mama? Are you going to ever die? I don't want you to leave me, Mama!"
To be so little and have such big questions.
Mom, I don't think I'm prepared for all this.
Where's the manual?