What is this Adventure?

Full-time Mama & Part-time school social worker in the throes of toddlerhood at its best and worst. In my short tenure as a member of the prestigious Mamahood club, I find the reality of it all to be amazing, exhausting, hilarious, challenging, a blessing, lonely at times, nostalgic, guilt-ridden, and the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me...all at once. Sit back, read, laugh and cry with me on my adventure!

Thursday, January 31, 2013

What a strange phenomenon...

Would you find it strange if I told you that the people I talked to MOST about my miscarriage are people I don't know, never met, and never will meet?
But...know what?  They talk to me about their loss more than they talk to anyone they know too!

What IS this strange phenomenon???...On-line communities via baby websites. (mine happens to be www.babycenter.com)
I know more about MamaEmLov and WishinFor's grief stories than their husbands/boyfriends...and they know more of mine!
But how did this come to happen?
Why is this the case for so so many grieving mamas?

I would like to speculate it has to do a bit with the title of my post a few days ago (or perhaps weeks, I don't remember)....the "unspoken-ness" of miscarriages...

Think about it...
Women are told "wait til 12 weeks to tell people you are pregnant...."  Why?
Well, because you may lose your baby.  And at 13 weeks, MOST pregnancies are "out of the woods" so to say...but what does that imply?

It implies that if you DO miscarry, it is best if people never knew you were pregnant.  If that's the case, then you are doomed to grieve in silence, alone.

The simple word of "miscarriage" holds so much self-responsibility...But I didn't miss-carry my baby.... the likelihood is that my baby's hormones didn't quite match up correctly.  My baby died.  But I didn't miss-carry my baby.

When you tell people that your baby died, their stories start coming out of the woodwork...so so many people can relate.  So why aren't we relating?

I'm going to have to leave this one as a question.

The reality for me?
It's easier to write than speak.  It's easier to be strong throughout the day - for my family - for my work - for the world - and then just be "broken" for a time on the computer at night.  It's easier to talk to people who CAN'T give me a hug.  I'm still afraid I may break with one big hug at the right moment.

What a strange phenomenon.

Perhaps someday miscarriages will "come out" too...
Until then, Babycenter and other baby social media have the corner of the market on this one.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Keepin it Real

Super Hazel!
Hangin out in the ball pit...

So I must say that my amazing children are the main driving force keeping me together lately.  Being that I'm a bit unglued lately, unfortunately, the same driving force that keeps me together sends me off an edge easier than normal.  I actually yelled at Kieran this morning.  It was awful.  I felt like perhaps I should call DCFS on myself I felt so abusive.  It really doesn't matter what he did...I am not a yeller...and I yelled.  And he cried.  And it was awful.

But let's not let this entire post go wasted on sullen craziness....because gosh, I'm too full of that already...
I realize that because I have been gone from blogging for so long, you've really missed some doozies of good stories:

1.  The wild poop incident -- this one is where Hazel takes off her pants and diaper and flings poop wildly around her crib instead of napping.  In steps good ol' Daddy....who opens the door and simply yells...."HELP!!!!"  He panicked.  Hazel got scared and cried....until....I walked in and burst out laughing...HILARIOUS!  (I shouldn't have laughed...because then Hazel realized it was funny and laughed too.....set up for future poop-o-ramas).  Oh man....woah.

2.  Kieran's introspective conversation about "damn it".....we are driving in the car home from church one day and Kieran states, very matter of factly, "you know Mama, when I was two?  I said damn it.  Isn't that strange?  Now I'm three and I say BUMMER!"

Ok I have to go for now....it's nap time right now and Kieran is yelling at Hazel from one bedroom to another...."DAAAA!" Hazel screams....and Kieran screams back, "What does THAT mean?!?!"  Uh oh...he just went in her room - arg - nap time is NOT an easy battle around here!

see ya soon!

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Unspoken Sorrow Lifted Up

Dear Angel,
I loved you before I even knew of your presence.  
And my love grew with each passing hour of your existence.
But you were never mine to hold.  Never mine to keep.
You are my reminder that we are not the keepers of our babies.
God is.
And She took you back home so early.
How I cried of missing you before I even touched your skin.
I cry even more so knowing that your brother and sister will never know you.
But I breath a sigh of peace knowing in my heart that you will know them, Angel Baby.
So now I ask of you a favor...and it's a big one...
Please, watch over your brother.  Watch over your sister.  
Help them to grow.  To find peace and love and faith in the God with whom you stay side-by-side and know so intimately.  Help them remember Her when the world wants them to forget.
I pray, Angel Baby, that you can watch and protect a new life within me someday.
And until then, I remain thankful for you.
I am thankful for the moments of joy and excitement you brought us.
I am thankful for our Angel watching over us from above.
I am thankful for faith.
I am thankful...
and I will always love you.
your mama

To the millions of moms who experience loss before life is born...all the unspoken sorrows that many experience alone...I pray for you, in solidarity, for peace.