What is this Adventure?

Full-time Mama & Part-time school social worker in the throes of toddlerhood at its best and worst. In my short tenure as a member of the prestigious Mamahood club, I find the reality of it all to be amazing, exhausting, hilarious, challenging, a blessing, lonely at times, nostalgic, guilt-ridden, and the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me...all at once. Sit back, read, laugh and cry with me on my adventure!

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Called into the Principal's Office and other such failures as a mama...


Yup, that's about as good as it gets tonight, folks.
It could be that my 3rd trimester nausea is in back in full force.
It could be that I have developed a strange rash on the side of my huge stomach that is killing me.
Perhaps that I don't sleep well anymore...or at all really.
Or that my husband is back working two jobs again with insane hours.
I may even venture to guess that it could be that my heart is 2 sizes too small...
(if you missed it, that was a Grinch reference)

I have hit my cyclical bummed out time...cyclical because it comes around after a pattern of not being able to take care of myself...it was bound to happen.

The result?

I'm cranky.

Poor Baby Declan.  I keep thinking about how different this pregnancy is than the others.  Pregnant with your first...you relish at every second, every little kick, every moment is a new delight...or maybe I just pretend that was how it was?  Pregnant with your second, you are more tired, busier, not as focused on the pregnancy, but you feel guilty and think about how you wish you spent more time relishing the pregnancy.  Three?  I am cranky and just want to have this baby...as soon as possible!

Hm...I am now returning to writing this blog after a brief intermission to check on why the house smelt like it was burning down....why?  oh right, it almost WAS burning down.  Smooth mama move #314...I put a plastic bottle in the bottom of the dishwasher (the top was already full...meh, ok, I'll put it in the bottom, what could go wrong?"...I'll TELL you what could go wrong...wait, no, actually, let me go take a picture of it as evidence....

The top is what the bottle USED to look like.
The bottom....evidence of how my apartment almost burnt down.

Ok, then, back to the blog.  I'm cranky.

Tonight, Hazel pooped all over the carpet.  Kieran wrote in pen all over his bed sheets and pillow case.  (He tells me it was because he was writing "No jumping on the bed, Hazel" because he doesn't like how she jumps on his bed.  Funny, I don't like when he jumps on my bed, but I haven't advertised it in writing on my SHEETS!

But that's not what is making me cranky.

I'm just feeling like a bad mama.  and THAT makes me cranky.  I can't seem to make it through the day without getting completely overwhelmingly frustrated at one or both of my sweet angels.  Declan hears me crankier than I have ever been, and the poor baby is not even born yet!  :(

Oh, you're asking about the title?  Why was I called into the principal's office?  Apparently, for quite some time now, my son has been getting in trouble daily during carpet time.  I had NO clue!  He relays stories from school, even about how other kids get in trouble.  I ask how he does, even asking specific questions...but as far as he was concerned, he is nothing short of a perfect angel.

I should have known better. 

Anyway, we are working on it.  I say "we" because I know better, but I'm taking it a little personally.
I was kinda hoping he saved all his goofy naughty time for home, but I guess not.

I must get back to my work...plus the door to the porch is open (to air out the burnt plastic smell) and even the plastic dolls are starting to shiver in here...

Until a better mood comes around, 
peace and love to you all.

Oh, on a happy note, my children are still as cute as ever...here is some evidence:

Monday, October 21, 2013

The Court Jesters take over the Krotser Family

Have I mentioned that my children are very funny?
Well, I think they are quite humorous.
And so do they, quite frankly.
In fact, I'm fairly sure they consider themselves up-and-coming comedians.
Practicing their every move on one another and especially their Mama.

Here are a few recent happenings...

Kieran felt Declan kick for the first time this past week.
His comment:
"Uh Mama...I think he wants to get out."

Yesterday Kieran drew with marker on his face.  He drew three straight lines down his cheek.
Then he looked at me, with a mischievous smile, and said, "Look, Mama!  I'm Mrs. Head-mark!"
In case I didn't get his brilliant humor, he added, "Get it?  Marks on my HEAD?!?!  Isn't that funny?!"
Kieran's pre-school teacher's name is Mrs. Hedmark.
I tried not to laugh...can you imagine him teaching all the little 3 and 4 year olds this new trick?
Yeah, it was hilarious.

The first prize winner goes to Hazel, though, this round.
For those of you who don't know, I use cloth diapers.  Washing these babies is quite a process....one cold wash, one hot wash, one extra rinse, then hang dry the liners and throw the inserts in the tumble dry cycle.  Needless to say, it take a while.
Well, two nights ago, I decided that I would start the wash before bath time.  So, Hazel had to lose the diaper before going upstairs.
I took off her diaper, and she had an immediate response:
She actually squatted, smirked, and said, "pee pee?"
When I said no, not on the carpet..she upped the ante.
Hazel then squatted over Kieran's new notepad of paper, smirked an even bigger smirk, and repeated:
"pee pee now?"
Well, I was not about to clean the carpet AND hear screaming from Kieran, so I marched her over to the bathroom and sat her on the little potty.
As she has done a few times before, she immediately got up.
I encouraged her to sit down again.  I mean, I did need another 30 seconds to put the diapers in the laundry!
Kieran then felt the need to check on Hazel's progress.
"No pee pee!" he declared.
But when I looked, he was actually wrong.
Hazel checked too, just to be sure...and was so proud.

My court jesters are growing up so fast!!   Watch out, Comedy Central.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

It's a.....!

While this post is a little overdue, as I am now 23 weeks along and the ultrasound took place at 20 weeks, I am so happy to blog that our new little one is healthy!

My husband and I took both of our little ones to the ultrasound along with my mom as a back-up plan in case all hell broke loose (the ultrasound promised to be at least 45 minutes long in a dark cramped room).  I was quite nervous, since 4 out of the 5 ultrasounds so far had been worrisome to both us and the doctors.

We decided to find out the gender this time around (which we never have before) and so I really wanted the kids to be there for the moment.

And the moment, as it was, was priceless.

As the ultrasound tech inquired again if we wanted to find out the gender, she froze the screen and wrote "It's a" and then waited a second, probably for the dramatic effect...

"Boy!" she exclaimed...which was followed quickly by a "NO!!!!!"

The cry of despair was from Kieran.  He all along has been calling the baby a girl.  Another sister is what was expected.

The room was quiet.  I said to him, "I know you thought that Mama was going to have a girl..."
But Kieran didn't let me finish, because he quickly added, "that's ok!  We'll just have four."

And just like that, Kieran became our family planner.
I, of course, loved every second of this conversation, and told him, "well, you'll have to talk to Daddy about that one!"

Since then, Kieran has adapted to the idea of his new baby brother.  And because it's a boy, we've already agreed his name will be Declan!  No naming-wars!  YEA!

We're thrilled, blessed, and couldn't be more excited.  Now, if the rest of the pregnancy can fly by so I can hold my little guy in my arms, that would be even better!

Here's a pic to show how much Declan enjoyed the ultrasound:

Thursday, September 19, 2013

"Back to School" proves to be a happy occasion for 50 percent of us...

Here is one of the happy campers that school is back in session.  Kier started his first day of preschool at the end of August and honestly, he hasn't looked back.  I am extremely grateful to report no tears, happy stories on car-rides home, and everything seems to be going fairly well on that end!!  He spends a lot of time at the writing table (which is no big surprise to us, since he has been letter obsessed since he was born.)  It was bitter-sweet for me to see my baby going off to school, but apparently (and thankfully), I was the only one who had a hard time with it!

The other happy camper is Paul, who always seems to make the best of work and be happy about it.  He started his third year teaching art at his current school.

So, that leaves us...the girls.  We're not that thrilled.  Hazel, my former "good sleeper," is currently screaming her head off upstairs because she doesn't want to take a nap.  (By the way, she naps for 3 hours at the sitter's house).  She wakes up constantly at night, and in general is not liking this whole fall transition.  Ugh.  I'm hoping it's a phase?

As for me, work is just overwhelming, as is such with most "beginning of the years", so I'm sure I'll adjust.

And Zoobert?  We'll have a better look next week for our 20 week ultrasound!  I am so excited and nervous.  Did I mention that we are actually going to find out the gender of baby this time around?!  Yes, it took some convincing of Paul, but we are!  While I'm trying really hard to get over my sense of "doom" from the beginning trauma of this pregnancy, I still feel this overhanging sense of anxiety that I am hoping clears up with the 20 week ultrasound.  I have had a total of 5 ultrasounds for this pregnancy so far...and only one of them said "everything looks good".  Let's hope this will make number two.

In other news, Hazel has taken a strong liking for pink and purple.  Is this ingrained in some kids from birth?  I don't get it!!  The other day at the store, before I blinked, she held up 6, yes that's right SIX, pink t-shirts and then told me, "Mama, I nee dis."  hmmmm....  Here she is in her pink ensemble that she picked out.  Yes, she's not quite two yet, but MUST pick her clothes every day.  I find this is a battle I'm not willing to fight most days.  

Kieran continues to love all things Superhero and attempts to wear the same Superman shirt every day.
Also not a battle I'm willing to fight.  Hilarious.

By the way, see the hat and long sleeves?  It was about 90 degrees the day he wore this.  "I won't be hot" he insisted.  And he never complained once.
The kids are getting very excited for the baby.  I've gotten every question under the sun including, "How does the baby eat in your tummy?"  "How did the baby get in your tummy?"  "How will the baby get OUT of your tummy?"  "What will the baby eat?"  "Does the baby like broccoli?"  "Why is the baby taking so long?"  "How do you make a baby?" "Will we get a new mini-van?"  and so on....

And so we enter my favorite season...stay tuned for pictures of apple picking adventures and corn mazes!  

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Ode to an Amazing Daddy on his Birthday Weekend...

I don't often write much about Daddy in my Mama blog...and perhaps if you were to read my blog throughout the years, one might wonder if I was single parenting.  I am most certainly not, and waves of guilt and selfishness are engulfing my brain as I write this blog post as a reconciliation attempt.  Well, I'm not feeling like Super Mama lately, quite the opposite, so I thought I would try writing about my better half, in hopes not to drown you in my anxiety.

(On a side note, I think my "back to work jitters" are getting the best of me for the past two days and I must get over it, it's making me a crazy woman....I've written about this before, I think the title was something like, "I have to work, now get over it!"...I need to return to this mantra...)

Back to Daddy.  At one point in our marriage, Paul was uncertain as to whether or not he wanted children.  Perhaps it was the pressure of it all (the fact that I wanted children yesterday did not help at the time), and it seemed insurmountably difficult for him to imagine what our lives would be like with little ones running around.

Fast forward four years and here we are, two little ones constantly running around and one on the way.

How has he responded?

With utmost grace, delight, exhaustion, and pure love.  He is a wonderful daddy, just as I knew he would be.  I don't know if it is a special daddy magical power or what, but he doesn't seem to have the "end of patience rope" like I find myself reaching lately.  Or perhaps his rope is longer?  He works tireless hours, two to three jobs at a time, and then comes home with a smile to greet his children who are waiting with open arms at the top of the stairway.  "DADDY!" they shout.  What he doesn't know is that when they are screaming "DADDY," they really mean "oh my gosh, give us a break from this crazy woman we call Mama!".

But all jokes aside, I continue to be amazed at his generosity as a father and husband.
We are truly blessed.
And I am grateful.

p.s. In a sea of self-doubt, I found myself re-reading a post I wrote back in 2011 quoting a book on "real moms"....If any of you out there need a reality check like I do, read on...

Friday, July 26, 2013

Life's toughest lessons repeatedly bashing me over the head

I know I'm stubborn.
I know it's tough to teach me life's lessons.
I know!
And while this lesson keeps mauling and side swiping me, I'm still having a tough time getting it through my think brain and more so my heart.

I know I'm not in charge.  I know I don't have control.
I know!
(But I still want to be.)

Why all this fuss and drama?
Well, most of you who read my blog already know.

I'm about 12 weeks pregnant.
And for the past 6 weeks, I have been anxiety ridden, sleep-deprived, and edgy, trying to gain control over something of which I have none.

For the record, though, God has taken me a bit through the ringer, if I do say so myself.
My miscarriage was hard on me.
And from day one of finding out I miscarried, I wanted to be pregnant again.
And then from day one of being pregnant, I worried about miscarrying.
I don't think this is unique.

This time, though, there were a few hurdles to try to teach me this lesson...again...and again...and again...
First they thought I had a twin molar pregnancy.  The suggestion by many docs was to end the pregnancy.
I researched, cried, worried, researched, talked to my brother Jonathan and sister-in-law Dre a gazillion times, made them research, and decided to get a second opinion.
Then, I maybe had something called a chorio-angioma, benign tumors in my placenta.  I researched again, dragged my brother to the doctor, worried, and waited...
Today, another opinion...perhaps everything is just fine.  They see some bleeding behind the placenta but they are not concerned.
I didn't know what bleeding behind the placenta meant, so I started to research....
and finally stopped.
I had to force myself to stop...I still am itching to google more information as I write this....
This anxiety-ridden pattern that I have had for the past 6 weeks of trying to somehow gain control over my pregnancy by researching and then fretting is not working for me.

I get it.  I don't know if I can accept it, but I get it.
I am not in control.
I've always known, I just don't quite know.
But God, I need a break in this lesson.
It's truly back-breaking, this lesson.

So, on to other funny stories of fretting...
I'm afraid I have passed on my anxious ways to my wee-little son.
Here are two stories...

Kieran starts pre-school in about 4 weeks, so we have been talking a lot about this transition.
For the most part, we all talk excitedly about how much fun he will have.
Today he had me pretend to be his teacher, and we excitedly pretended on and off all day.
But yesterday morning, in the midst of our pretend, he all-the-sudden realized that his sister, Hazel, would not be joining him at preschool.
The tears started to well up and he panicked as he looked at me..."but Mama, Hazel won't be with me at school?!" When he heard the inevitable answer, the tears fell..."I will miss her TOO much, Mama!" and he curled up into my lap to cry.

Story two...last night I was reading "Always Love You" by Robert Munch.  If you don't know it, you should...but I digress...
Anyway, we read it all together, Kieran, Hazel, and I, and then I put Hazel down to bed.  Kieran wanted me to read the story a second time, because it was just TOO hilarious when the two year old dropped his mama's watch down the toilet.  I started the story for a second time, but this time used Kieran's name in the book.  Big Mistake.
As we neared the end of the book and the Mama was old and sickly, Kieran started to become anxious once again.
"Mama, are you going to get old like that lady? Oh Mama, I don't want you to be old.  Mama..." and he started to cry.  Soon into this conversation, he pressed further, "Are you going to DIE, Mama?  Are you going to ever die?  I don't want you to leave me, Mama!"

To be so little and have such big questions.
Mom, I don't think I'm prepared for all this.
Where's the manual?

Saturday, June 1, 2013

"Hazel, You're So Cute...Hazel, You're So Cute"

Kieran has this song he sings every once in a while...it goes like this:
"Hazel, you're so cute...Hazel, you're so cute...cute cute cute, Hazel you're so cute!"
The tune is not important, but
Kieran is SO right.

You're not too shabby yourself, Kieran!

While it's simply impossible to list all of the cute things about Little Missy (Kieran's nickname for her), I must list a few of the more recent...

Everyone we meet out in public comments that Hazel is a "mini-me".  I have to say, shamelessly, that I love it.  But what most reminds me of myself when I look at Hazel, is how much she adores her older brother.  To this day, my older brother practically walks on water to me.  And Kieran is no different in the eyes of Hazel.  I even see that her own self-identity is tied in to him...as I witnessed for the first time when Paul took Kieran on a nearly all-day trip and Hazel was stuck with only Mama for the day.  Now while Hazel may pretend to run to Mama, it is truly Kieran that grounds her.  Why do I say that?  She was practically lost all day long...asking for "KiKi?" every other minute, crying, looking around....lost. When she woke up from her nap and I came to get her without Kiki there, she almost wouldn't let me get her out of her crib!  I couldn't believe it.  And then I remembered when my older brother left for college.  I practically cried for a whole day in school.  My high school boyfriend brought me flowers and my history teacher gave me a juice box to console me.  That's why I think I have a mini-me.

My dad always worries about me talking on the phone while I'm driving (even though I use a headset and am always "hands-free").  While I do not deny that I'm sure cell phone usage equates to hundreds if not thousands of more accidents a year, I would like to submit "screaming children in the backseat" as FAR FAR more distracting than anything else could possibly be.  Today, it was sweet Hazel screaming.  And it took me a minute to figure out why.  When I finally tuned into the words she was screaming, I discovered this one word:  "talkie"  "Talkie, TALKIE TALKIE TALKIE!" she yelled.
What the hell is a "talkie"?  And that's when I looked over to Kieran...who had my phone in his hand.  "Hazel," I asked, "do you want Mama's phone?"  "uh huh" she answered calmly, finally assured that someone understood her.  Kieran giggled.  "talkie" he repeated.  We have been calling the phone a "talkie" all day today.

Last story...have I ever mentioned that Kieran and Hazel have "hi" contests in the grocery store and other public places?  Perhaps I wrote about it before...but in case I haven't...or if you need a reminder...Kieran and Hazel try to say "HI" to the most people as if it's a competition.  Neither of them have ever expressed this in words, but if you have ever been out in public when they start their "hi" barrage, you would guess it's a competition too.  The "hi's" just keep getting louder and louder and more and more frequent as the game goes on.  In the most recent adventure, Hazel was walking on her own in a park saying hi to everyone.  A mom was not paying attention to Hazel (gosh, how dare her, she was actually bent down tying her own son's shoe!), and so Hazel upped the antie....got closer and louder..."HIII-EEE" (Hazel adds some flare to her "hi").  The lady still didn't look up.  And so, Hazel got about two inches from the woman's face, who was still bent down with her son and so about eye-level with Hazel.  HI-EEEEEEE, Hazel shouted, and the woman fell over she was so surprised.  Kieran saw and giggled.  I did too.  (then I apologized, but first I giggled).

Oh, Hazel, you're so cute.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

In the blink of an eye...

For children and school teachers (or school social workers, as they may be), we measure the years not from January to December, but from September to May...and then we pray that time stands still for the three months in between the year as we breath in the goodness of summer.  This year, the best of times and the worst of times, is quickly coming to a close as summer whispers our name..."come play..." it calls.  And I can't wait!

In the blink of an eye, the school year will finish on June 3rd.  In the meantime, I have finally moved along on some of those decisions that I held waiting in the ranks while I procrastinated life...
I took a position in my same school district to work with the new Autism program.  I will work with students K - 5 whose disability of Autism makes it difficult for them to learn in a typical general education classroom.  This population group, in general, cracks me up and keeps me on my toes, so I can't wait to share stories of the funny adventures to come...and yet, I ache to be more excited than I actually am.  I miss the days of excitement about my job...those days of "good vs. evil" in the business of "saving the world"...I wouldn't change my path though, not for a million summers (and you KNOW how much I value summer, it is immeasurable in the world of money).  I finally signed Kieran up for preschool and set up the babysitting situation for next year.  Phew, check those things off the list!

I wouldn't change my path because I am loving that my children are changing MY world.  I love that I stay home more days than I work...it allows me to cherish the funny little moments...so let me share a few recent ones:

Kieran and Hazel were playing Play-doh....and I'm really not sure WHY I made this statement, but I actually asked my 3 1/2 year old and my 1 1/2 year old to "try not to squish the colors into each other"...really, Mama?  Really?!  So, this is what I heard next, out of the mouths of babes...in a song, of course.
"Sometimes we don't listen to our mom.  Sometimes we don't listen to our mom" as Kieran tore very little pieces of the green Play-doh and squished them deeply into the red.  Check-mate.
I told this story to some of my co-workers.  They don't have children.  They asked..."well, what did you do?" in sheer shock of my three-year olds obvious defiance.
I answered very simply, "I left the room, of course, so I didn't burst out laughing in front of him!"

In the blink of an eye, my little baby is so grown up.

Here's another Kieran one...
I catch Kieran lying to me every once in a while.  Typically, it's the same ordeal, "yes I washed my hands" only to find out he did not.  My mom taught me a very important lesson when I was growing up... "never try to trap your children in a lie.  If they have done something wrong, don't ask them if they did it, simply state that you KNOW they did it."  I have followed this advice to a tee, but what if you don't actually know?  Well if you're my son, sometimes you just admit it.  And I quote my son from two days ago, "Mama, sometimes I lie to you."


If you are wondering if my sweet baby Hazel is growing up as quickly as her brother, all I can say is that she is growing up TWICE as fast.  She wants to wear a helmet and ride a bike, she hangs off the monkey bars, oh yeah, and she likes to run into the bathroom yelling "pee pee potty!  pee pee potty!".
Yup, she's 1 1/2 years old.  Oh, and don't try to dress her.  "I do it!"

Half a blink!

Mother's Day came and went in a blink as well.  This Mother's Day I found myself so thankful for my two amazing children and grieving for the one in heaven.  On days when I think I'm finally in the clear, done with tears, I am reminded of my humanity and the ups and downs that go along with it.  I miss the baby I never held.  And I am in awe of how many women go through these same moments...and then journey on to find peace...my Mom is an amazing example of that peace.  Mother's Day is a reminder to me that to be a mother is a gift.  I am so thankful.

Mother's Day is also a reminder of how, in a blink of an eye, I went from my mother's little girl to having my own.  I love you, Mom, and attempt every day to be half the amazingness that you are every single day to all of us.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Our Very First Visit to the "Night Time Doctor"

I'm actually surprised we made it 3 1/2 years with children before experiencing this.
I mean, it's been a full 4 1/2 years since MY last ER trip.
I would compare it to counting the years since you last got pulled over by a police officer...
You know, both are bound to happen every once in a while, so it's just a matter of time.
Also a matter of bragging rights, you know?
It's been 5 years since I've been pulled over by a cop...Can you beat that?  Pretty long (for people in my family at least)....but...
Only 2 days since my last trip to the ER for a head injury.
Reminds me of the signs at manufacturing plants.
We are ____ days injury free.
Dang...we had to start at zero again as of Tuesday night.

This is how Kieran explained what happened to the ER doctor:
"Well, you see, I was on my mama's husband's back when I fell and hit my head."

Did you catch that one?
Not my dada, Daddy, Dad.....nope....my mama's husband.

The nurse got a good chuckle out of that one.  

It all started with a really wild night during our bewitching hour.
What?!  You don't have a bewitching hour in your house?  Where everyone goes completely crazy and runs around the house tearing every single toy and book off the shelf and screaming bloody murder?
What's WRONG with you?

Anyway....yes, it was quite a wild night.
Paul decided to take both kids up for baths and give me a rest (AKA time to clean the kitchen).
He was carrying Hazel.
Kieran wanted to be carried, so Paul suggested he get a piggy-back ride.
Paul realized that Kieran did have a good grip, so he stopped and tried to stoop down so Kieran could readjust.  Well, Kieran fell off his back.  And right onto the ledge...which he DENTED! 

Not a lot of blood...but he started feeling sick immediately and actually started gagging.  Which, of course, made me quite nervous.

After several calls (the usual suspects: my brother Jonathan, a head and neck surgeon who was working at the time and couldn't answer, my mom, the injury go-to lady because her kids had so many stitches, then finally, my doctor) we headed to the Emergency Room....

or what I like to call...."the night time doctor"

After waiting for a little over an hour, we were seen.  
One staple.
A grape popsicle.
and two stickers.

Kieran was amazingly brave.  
I almost cried when he yelped out when the staple went in.  He had a look of, "how could you let them do that to me, Mama?!"  I picked him up and he crumpled in my arms crying.  I pulled it together and he quickly calmed.  
To see your child in pain is so hard.  But he was amazing.  Really.  

In spite of his bravery, I still hope we can hold off on the night time doctors for a while....

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Obsessed meets Reality Check...and then the Battle Ensues

Anyone who has been wanting to be pregnant before knows that suddenly, in the blink of an eye, the whole world is pregnant.  Even the MEN around you are looking a bit more pregnant than you are.  It quickly becomes an obsession - where whatever method you are using in your journey becomes a daily time-waster.  For me, it is a website called FertilityFriend.com that helps you track your basal body temperature and ovulation patterns.  I'm not sure what clue I keep thinking I'll find (as I check the site multiple times a day...it says the same thing every time)...so what AM I looking for?

In the meantime, I am watching a friends' daughter today who is seven.  Suddenly, my eldest is starving for attention.  I realize this quickly:  he has become the middle child for the day.  And he doesn't exactly like this change.  And my attention is torn between three.  It seems SIGNIFICANTLY harder than torn between two... and in creeps my reality check.

I realize something else rather quickly:  while my eldest has the personality to let me know that he is in need of attention (he reminds me a bit of my youngest sister, Dana, when she was around his age.  She used to take my mom's head by two hands and hold her own face 2 inches from my mom's and say, "Mom!  I am talking to you!"...I get it now, Dana, and I'm sorry for teasing you)....anyway...my current youngest is not like that.  Hazel would be content to carry on her way unless she is hungry or tired.  She is pretty self-sufficient and wants to be as independent as possible...

So now comes the Mama worry.  I desperately want to be pregnant with my third.  But how do I make sure that my middle child gets enough attention?  Especially an easy-going, non-attention-seeking, middle child?  I suppose I don't much have to worry about that right now, being that I'm not even pregnant...but it brings me back to the age old question, one that I ask about every other blog post...

Mom, how in the world did you do it?

Monday, February 11, 2013

Holy Hilariousness

I SOOO wish I had a picture of this for you...
but I don't.  I had to play "mama" instead.
Sometimes I hate when I feel like I have to be responsible...especially when that means I don't capture funny pictures on camera for you.

For those of you who know my family, you will also know that my three year old struggles to fall asleep at night.
And "struggle" is an understatement.

Here's the story:

Today, Kieran did not want to leave the babysitter's house because he was playing with toys that he did not want to give up.  In the end, his four year old friend let him "borrow" a little M&M flashlight...
Kieran 1 - Mama 0

Kier happily got into the car and played with his flashlight all the way home.  Then, in the excitement of being home, the honeymoon phase with the flashlight was over....or so I thought...

Routine commenced...dinner, baths, pajamas, books, and "bedtime"...in quotes, because he almost never falls asleep right away.  Typically he begs for someone to stay with him, then he begs for one more story, then a few more begs of different natures as one of us head downstairs.

Tonight was no different.  Just like most nights, I hear some rumbling around upstairs, some talking, singing, etc.  I ignore it, listening only to hear if he needs help on the potty.  Then, again like most nights, it gets quiet.

Time passes.  As I am watching the ONLY television show that I watch all week (Biggest Loser), I hear a door slam.  Hmmm....Arg...so I head upstairs to see what's going on.

I come upstairs to see that many lights are on.  The hallway bathroom, the master bathroom, the closet..I walk around turning off lights and looking for my son.  He is nowhere to be found!  What the @&*#?

All the sudden, I hear a little voice....
         "HEY!  Who turned off the lights?"

I turn to find the voice...INSIDE the CABINETS of the hallway bathroom.  Literally crouched in a tiny area where the towels barely fit.  Sitting there.  With his M&M flashlight.  Smiling.  "Hi Mama.  Who turned off the lights?  Isn't that strange?"

I lost it.  I burst into laughing.
Holy freakin hilarious.
Kieran 2 - Mama 0

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Holding my breath...

I realized yesterday that since my miscarriage in early January, I have been sitting in a holding pattern...
And while I haven't pulled myself out of it, I definitely have come to the conclusion that this holding pattern is not leading to a healthy happy peaceful family.  

To lighten up this serious blog, I am going to attach some pictures of Kieran, displaying different emotion faces (I am teaching my Special Education classes emotions right now and Kieran was acting as a guinea pig to see if I could "teach" him how to make your face reflect a certain emotion.)

Ok, funny, right?  Anyway, back to my thoughts:

My holding pattern....
I'm waiting to get pregnant again.
In the meantime, I find myself refusing to move forward in many ways, I'll explain:

1.  My house is a wreck.  I put together a cleaning schedule and every now and then I kick myself into doing it, but I have piles of paper, bills, etc, piling up....a symptom of how my life feels right now...disorganized and cluttered.

2.  I need to decide on my career move for next year.  I have made little movement - there are things that I could look into, but I'm just not really moving forward...when I found out I was pregnant and due in late August, I was actually hoping to stay home for another year - now...I'm in a holding pattern.

3.  I need to decide on a pre-school for Kieran.  I'm using the excuse of "I don't know where/when I'll be working next year so I can't decide on a pre-school"...which is kinda true...but really I just have a whole lot of excuses for my holding pattern.

4.  I need to get back into shape, eat right, and get back into a good mind-body state.  I am cycling in and out of this - I'll have one good day, then bam, terrible....I can't seem to keep on track and have found myself saying, "when I get pregnant again, I'll be healthy again..."  excuse? yes.

So, how did this small realization occur?  My mom, of course.  My mom is an amazingly strong woman, let me say.  She also has this strange ability to know when to be empathetic and when to just give me the hard truth.  I'm not even sure she knows that she did this yesterday...but as I am sitting there chatting with her, telling her about how I have this and that to think about for my job next year "but what I really want is to be pregnant and therefore I'm not making any moves yet"...she says...bluntly..."well, yeah, that will come, but in the meantime..." and her sentences kinda dropped off...

She didn't really have to say any more than that.
In the meantime....

I wish I could just take that advice.
But, I'm too busy holding my breath.

Well, at least I can write about it.

In my mind, I can also hear myself telling my heart, "be gentle to yourself".
My good friend Margo reminds me of that all the time.  And today she sent me a gift to remind me just of that.  Be gentle to yourself.

I'm trying.

That's enough for now.
Thank you Mom.
Thank you Margo.
I'll try to remember both of those things at the same time.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

What a strange phenomenon...

Would you find it strange if I told you that the people I talked to MOST about my miscarriage are people I don't know, never met, and never will meet?
But...know what?  They talk to me about their loss more than they talk to anyone they know too!

What IS this strange phenomenon???...On-line communities via baby websites. (mine happens to be www.babycenter.com)
I know more about MamaEmLov and WishinFor's grief stories than their husbands/boyfriends...and they know more of mine!
But how did this come to happen?
Why is this the case for so so many grieving mamas?

I would like to speculate it has to do a bit with the title of my post a few days ago (or perhaps weeks, I don't remember)....the "unspoken-ness" of miscarriages...

Think about it...
Women are told "wait til 12 weeks to tell people you are pregnant...."  Why?
Well, because you may lose your baby.  And at 13 weeks, MOST pregnancies are "out of the woods" so to say...but what does that imply?

It implies that if you DO miscarry, it is best if people never knew you were pregnant.  If that's the case, then you are doomed to grieve in silence, alone.

The simple word of "miscarriage" holds so much self-responsibility...But I didn't miss-carry my baby.... the likelihood is that my baby's hormones didn't quite match up correctly.  My baby died.  But I didn't miss-carry my baby.

When you tell people that your baby died, their stories start coming out of the woodwork...so so many people can relate.  So why aren't we relating?

I'm going to have to leave this one as a question.

The reality for me?
It's easier to write than speak.  It's easier to be strong throughout the day - for my family - for my work - for the world - and then just be "broken" for a time on the computer at night.  It's easier to talk to people who CAN'T give me a hug.  I'm still afraid I may break with one big hug at the right moment.

What a strange phenomenon.

Perhaps someday miscarriages will "come out" too...
Until then, Babycenter and other baby social media have the corner of the market on this one.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Keepin it Real

Super Hazel!
Hangin out in the ball pit...

So I must say that my amazing children are the main driving force keeping me together lately.  Being that I'm a bit unglued lately, unfortunately, the same driving force that keeps me together sends me off an edge easier than normal.  I actually yelled at Kieran this morning.  It was awful.  I felt like perhaps I should call DCFS on myself I felt so abusive.  It really doesn't matter what he did...I am not a yeller...and I yelled.  And he cried.  And it was awful.

But let's not let this entire post go wasted on sullen craziness....because gosh, I'm too full of that already...
I realize that because I have been gone from blogging for so long, you've really missed some doozies of good stories:

1.  The wild poop incident -- this one is where Hazel takes off her pants and diaper and flings poop wildly around her crib instead of napping.  In steps good ol' Daddy....who opens the door and simply yells...."HELP!!!!"  He panicked.  Hazel got scared and cried....until....I walked in and burst out laughing...HILARIOUS!  (I shouldn't have laughed...because then Hazel realized it was funny and laughed too.....set up for future poop-o-ramas).  Oh man....woah.

2.  Kieran's introspective conversation about "damn it".....we are driving in the car home from church one day and Kieran states, very matter of factly, "you know Mama, when I was two?  I said damn it.  Isn't that strange?  Now I'm three and I say BUMMER!"

Ok I have to go for now....it's nap time right now and Kieran is yelling at Hazel from one bedroom to another...."DAAAA!" Hazel screams....and Kieran screams back, "What does THAT mean?!?!"  Uh oh...he just went in her room - arg - nap time is NOT an easy battle around here!

see ya soon!

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Unspoken Sorrow Lifted Up

Dear Angel,
I loved you before I even knew of your presence.  
And my love grew with each passing hour of your existence.
But you were never mine to hold.  Never mine to keep.
You are my reminder that we are not the keepers of our babies.
God is.
And She took you back home so early.
How I cried of missing you before I even touched your skin.
I cry even more so knowing that your brother and sister will never know you.
But I breath a sigh of peace knowing in my heart that you will know them, Angel Baby.
So now I ask of you a favor...and it's a big one...
Please, watch over your brother.  Watch over your sister.  
Help them to grow.  To find peace and love and faith in the God with whom you stay side-by-side and know so intimately.  Help them remember Her when the world wants them to forget.
I pray, Angel Baby, that you can watch and protect a new life within me someday.
And until then, I remain thankful for you.
I am thankful for the moments of joy and excitement you brought us.
I am thankful for our Angel watching over us from above.
I am thankful for faith.
I am thankful...
and I will always love you.
your mama

To the millions of moms who experience loss before life is born...all the unspoken sorrows that many experience alone...I pray for you, in solidarity, for peace.