I started reading a very science-y book the other day about parenting...
It's called "Parenting from the Inside Out...How a Deeper Self-understanding Can Help you Raise Children Who Thrive"
I think it's a good book...a little heavy to get through...but every chapter asks you to journal about certain topics...
I thought I would journal to my blog....
One of the questions asks you to "tell a story about the history and meaning of a particular issue affecting your connection with your child". I'm not sure what I'm about to write, so this entry will be quite unrefined and raw...
One of the current issues affecting Kieran and I is my whole processing of how I will juggle giving enough attention to two young children. my fears come in a number of different packages - how will i make sure that each of my children feel equally loved? how will i reassure kieran that he has not been replaced? how will i make sure that i spend the time attaching with my newborn (holding, cuddling, etc.) when i feel like giving all my attention to kieran right now? the questions are truly endless for me. it leaves me with an uncertain, unsettled, vulnerable and general uncertainty about myself and my mamahood...meaning, i am starting to question my capability as a mama far more often nowadays that i am considering the fact that i am now a parent for two.
the book i am reading encourages me to look into my past for any unresolved issues that i may have about this issue....i mean, i have heard from many mothers now that this is a normal process to be wondering and questioning and doubting...but are there links to my past as well?
i'm a second child. i can't recall life without my brother jonathan. in fact, there are few memories in my life that don't include him. i adore him, even to this day he is my big brother, my confidant, someone who i will forever look up to, imperfections and all, and think that he is one of the most amazing people on this earth. even now, as i write this, i am teary eyed. this obviously elicits a lot of emotion for me...
did i ever feel like i was fighting for mom's attention? i suppose so. i mean, who on earth didn't feel like that at some point in their life? even now, fully grown, when everyone is around, i can sometimes feel a bit like there is not enough "mom" to go around. and i can recall a sense of trying to be perfect...mostly to meet mom's approval and happiness. a struggle to try to be perfect like i viewed my brother. like i viewed my mom. i suppose we were a pretty intense family growing up. and i'm not sure where that came from. that competition is definitely something of a family trait...who were we competing for/against? why?
the thing is, i can't recall my mom ever influencing this - in fact, i'm not sure that she could have done anything to prevent it. it wasn't such a bad thing, either...you know....i didn't drink/do drugs/have sex in high school - not only did i want to have those standards for myself, but i wanted to live up to a standard in my mind that i felt my parents set for me --- is that such a bad thing? i think not. would i like kieran and my other children to think that their mom is always watching them and to make sure they don't do anything stupid they will regret later? doesn't sound so bad to me! hahaha
in the end, i feel like i had a very happy, balanced and loving childhood. i contribute that a lot to my parents.
i guess i am still feeling that pressure to get it right. to be perfect. except this time, i'm trying to get mamahood right. and i'm scared to death that having two will make it impossible.
my mom is not perfect. i know. it's hard for me to write because honestly, she's pretty damn close.
i'm certainly not perfect. will my kids accept that?
will my imperfections royally screw them up?
i suppose i have to think the way i think when i'm in my "social work" mode --
kids are resilient.
kieran and his sibling will be wonderful -- in light AND in spite of their mom.
i have to go. this is enough writing for now. my face is full of tears and my stomach is empty of food. :)